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How
to Greek Dance
by Remember
when you were little and your parents or your Greek School teacher would tell
you to learn how to Greek Dance and you'd never listened, thinking to yourself,
"Greek dancing's stupid.
Why would I ever want to go around and around and around in circles like
that?" Now
flash forward to your early twenties when you suddenly found yourself not
knowing a zembekiko from a zebra.
When this happened, you had three options; either you learned how to
Greek Dance, you found something else to compensate for your lack of knowledge
of Greek Dancing, or you just accepted the fact that you'd never find that Greek
girl/guy of your dreams because you couldn't count out 1-2-3-kick without moving
your lips. It's
like your mama always said,
"Greek girls/guys won't give you the time of day if you can't Greek
dance." Maybe
your mama was over- exaggerating, but in any event, if you fear that the Kalamatiano
of life is passing you by, don't worry, because we present to you, How to Greek Dance, How to Fake It, or How to Get by Without It! Knowing
Greek Dancing, or at least being able to fake your way through it, is important
because the few occasions you'll have throughout the year where there will be a
lot of Greek people, especially Greek people you've never met before, will
involve Greek dancing. Greek
dancing may be your only opportunity to meet that girl or guy that you'd never
be able to get a chance to talk to in any other circumstance because you'd have
to get through the girl's cousins or the guy's parea
that normally encircle them. Greek
dancing is a free-for-all experience where you can suddenly find yourself in
line next to girl/guy of your dreams either on purpose or completely by
accident. How you end up there
usually depends on if you're a guy or a girl.
If you're a guy you find a way to get into a line next to that girl which
sometimes involves more line transfers than your morning Metro ride.
If you're a girl, you're dragging the guy who's sitting down at a table
out onto the dance floor -- a bold move, but we've seen it pulled off
successfully on a number of occasions. Once
you're out there dancing with them, if you can survive a Kalamatiano medley
without stepping on them, you might have a shot of meeting them once the music
stops. If you're a decent Greek
dancer, you may be able to talk to them while you are actually dancing.
But unless you're really good, the place to be is behind them, because
the rest of the line doesn't like that guy/girl who derails the Hasaposerviko Express by
running into the person in front of them because they weren't paying attention
to where they were going.
So you've gotten in a Greek dance line, what do you do? Stick to the basics. In DC, the basics are Kalamatiano, Tsamiko and Hasaposerviko. If you're a beginner, try if at all possible to get to the middle of a line. Don't ever go to the beginning of the line because you're going to be expected to lead. If you somehow find yourself at the beginning of the line, steer the line to the outside of the dance floor, and get in a holding pattern just long enough for a more experienced dancer to come and relieve you. Avoid the always dangerous drunk centipede path of destruction, where you start crossing under other dance lines, your own dance line, the band's equipment, and other places that will result in the loss of segments from your line.
Also avoid the very end of
the line -- you just look like a complete tool with your arm all flailing about
unconnected; it's also the easiest place for someone you wouldn't want to be
dancing with to latch on in the middle of a song.
If you've gotten to the middle of a line, then basically just follow
along and make sure at the very least that you're going in the same direction as
the rest of the line. You can fake your footwork at most Greek dances and for the
most part no one will mind or notice. Just
as long as you don't step on anyone, either in your own line, or the line in
front of you or behind you, you should be fine. Now
if you've been paying attention, you'll notice that we've strictly been talking
about Greek line-dancing to this
point. There are two main dances
that aren't in a line, the zembekiko,
tailored to the fellas, and the tsifteteli,
a chance for the ladies to show off their moves. If you're a guy and a zembekiko
is playing and you're not very good, this might be a chance to go get a drink.
Come back toward the end of the song and then plop down on one knee and
start clapping for the other guy who will be surrounded by the rest of the girls
and the guys who have already been up. Like
playing spin the bottle at your Greek cousin's house, hopefully your turn won't
come around. The guy's part during
a tsifteteli is easy -- just sit there and clap or snap your fingers
approvingly as the girl you're dancing with/staring at goes to work.
Ladies, I don't think a girl has ever gotten a lower score because of a
poor tsifteteli performance -- it's
like the salad that comes with your soulvaki platter -- bonus. So
you've read our helpful hints, you've followed our easy to follow instructions,
but you still can't Greek dance, then what?
If you're a guy, make up an injury.
Remind girls of the time you scored 40 in a GOYA basketball game and blew
out your knee on the game winning shot. Actually
we knew guys back in the day who were with really great Greek girls whose
athletic ability and time in the gym more than made up for their lack of
coordination on the dance floor. If
you're not the largest guy in the world, consider buying a new car -- General
Motors is currently offering 0.0% APR for 36 months on all new cars, so there's
no better time to buy. If you're a
girl and you can't Greek dance, don't worry, because they'll be plenty of guys
on the sidelines who can't or won't Greek dance and will be happy that you don't
equate a guy's Greek dancing ability with the size of his… tsarouhia. (That's the wooden shoes with the pom-poms, for any of you out
there who can't speak Greek.)
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