Without the Ross and Rachel relationship to start the year, Ross is probably still as much of a putz as ever. Monica breaks up with Richard, so we can assume that Rachel is spending her time consoling her friend and preventing her from doing the stupid and needy things that Monica did in the aftermath. We’d miss out on a very Greek response from Rachel in the episode where Ross is hurrying everyone to get ready for his museum benefit, and he takes his frustration of everyone else taking too long out on her. In that episode, Rachel changes out of her dress and puts on sweats and decides that she’s not going to rightly get back at him for his behavior. Ross apologizes profusely and she willingly decides to go after seeing how sorry he was. But we would argue that Ross probably wouldn’t have had to apologize to her for her to change her mind. We’re certainly not saying that this is right or that any girl should do this or that any guy should expect a Greek girl to do this, but odds are that she would have gone with him anyway to prevent the “public embarrassment” of her not being there on his big night. It’s a very Greek thing to take one for the team, put on a good face in public, and make things look like they’re fine. Oh, Ross would have paid for it later, and if Rachel were mad enough, she probably would have dumped him, ending the relationship if one had existed in the first place, allowing for the rest of the season to progress as we’ve scripted it. It would have also been a shame that they weren’t dating to allow for the memorable meeting between Ross and Rachel’s dad. Rachel’s dad, portrayed in our universe by Michael Constantine for lack of any other notable older Greek-American actors (outside of Alex Karras who played George Papadopoulos on Webster) would have basically created his role from My Big Fat Greek Wedding six years earlier, in not only hating Ross because he was an incredible tool, but also because he wasn’t Greek. Poor Ross. (At least in our world he doesn’t have to go through the pain of mucking up his relationship with Rachel, through a downward spiral of jealousy and insensitivity surrounding her new job, and America would never have learned the meaning of those six magic words, “But, we were on a break.”) Again we’re left watching Monica’s romance with Jon Favreau’s character, Pete, the internet millionaire, who she has no chemistry with, but he’s loaded, so she continues to date him. (Wait a minute! We’re starting to think that maybe Monica’s character is getting the more Greek-Americanesque plot lines. Is it too late to make Monica the Greek American for the next seven seasons?) She breaks up with him toward the end of the season.

Season 4

Ok, we know that up to this point that Rachel’s Greek-American-ness has made it so Ross and Rachel have been together for all of an episode in three years. This fact basically makes the would-be cliffhanger of last season, Ross having to choose between Rachel and a girl who Rachel convinced to shave her head bald moot, unless Rachel started having feelings for Ross on her own. But then she wouldn’t have come up with the famous 18-page letter (front and back), listing her demands on what he has to admit he’s done wrong before she’d forgive him and take him back. Honestly, we’re not sure if this is what a Greek-American Rachel would do. Making Ross take responsibility for what he’s done and not settling sounds like a very Greek-American girl thing to do, but writing it down in 18 pages (front and back) sounds like way too much of a hassle for the typical Greek girl. It gives the guy way too much credit that she’d go to all that effort. As a result Ross ends up marrying that British girl, Emily, because Rachel doesn’t go to London to tell her how she feels about him and isn’t there to hear the “I Ross, take thee Rachel.”

Season 5

The only funny part of this year was when Rachel accidentally kissed her new boss on the cheek after an interview. The Greek Rachel would have been able to play this off as the Greek Hello and thus the funny awkwardness ends. There’s also an episode where Rachel picks up smoking to be more social at work. Chances are that a Greek Rachel would already be at least a social smoker, so again not a problem. The fifth season ends with the whole group traveling to Las Vegas, and Ross and Rachel getting drunk and married. Again, doubtful a Greek girl, no matter how drunk she was, would pass up a huge wedding with all her friends and family present to get married in a Vegas chapel.

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