How to Pick Up a Greek Festival Volunteer
April 26, 2004
This weekend marks the start of the 2004 Greek Festival Season with St. Georgeís kicking things off on Friday night. The Guys @ DCGreeks.com present a fool-proof guide to picking up the busiest of all Greek-American young adults on these weekends, the Greek Festival Volunteers.
Youíve seen her at every Greek festival for the past five years. You ask yourself the series of questions that many a guy has asked himself since churches first decided it was a good idea to serve barbecued meat on a piece of flat bread and charge $3 dollars more for it than you could get it at a diner.
Youíve seen him at every Greek Night youíve ever been to, but this is the first time youíve seen him during the daylight hours. Youíre surprised to see him wearing an apron and standing behind the gyro booth. You ask yourself the series of questions that many a girl has asked herself since D.C. area Philhellenes have come home with cheesecloth-thin size small menís undershirts shirts with the Acropolis printed on them.
If youíre a guy or a girl and have yourself in these situations, youíve fallen into the curse of being attracted to a Greek Festival volunteer. Left unexplored, this fascination could leave you 1-2-3-kick-1-kick-ing yourself from spring to fall, and in the case of some of the church festivals, like St. Georgeís and Sts. Constantine & Helenís in D.C., it could be a year until you get the chance to see that person again. Knowing that this could be your only chance this season to meet that cutie kataifi koukla or that suave souvlaki slinger, you panic and look for the deepest darkest corner of the church basement in which to hide. But fear not, Forlorn Festival Frequenter because you are now armed with the ultimate guide to picking up the Greek Festival Volunteer of your dreams, The DCGreeks.com Guide to Picking Up a Greek Festival Volunteer.
We cannot take total credit for The DCGreeks.com Guide to Picking Up a Greek Festival Volunteer. It is actually an adaptation from Chapter 29 of The Big Big Book of Greek Festival Knowledge, which has been passed along from church to church over the years. Throughout the 1980s and mid-90s, it circulated between four primary locations, the closet next to the temporary ATM machine in St. Sophiaís basement, the top bookshelf of the 3rd grade classroom at the Reverend Thomas Daniels Greek Day School at Sts. Constantine & Helen, underneath a loose panel on the stage of Founders Hall at St. George, and the AHEPA 438 closet in the basement of the old educational center at St. Katherineís. Sometime during the late 90s, probably with every church deciding it must have a brand new community center, the British School extending its lease at St. Connieís, or with some churches scaling back their Greek Festivals, the book was somehow lost. Some say that it was lost for two years when it was taken to the Winchester festival and the person who took it there forgot how to get home from there. Others postulate that the book must have made its way to Baltimore, being lost to the DC community for years. We canít reveal how we got our hands on The Big Big Book of Greek Festival Knowledge or what we did with the black ski-masks that we used for the operation, or how long it took to train Stavro, the Baklava-Syrup-Sniffing Wonder Dog, to find the book (and to test for its authenticity), but needless to say, the book is back in DC where it belongs.
The following tips and suggestions are derived from Chapter 29:
The Grill Line
For the ladies out there, this is where you are most likely to find guys volunteering at the festival. The downside to the grill line is that the guys arenít really all that accessible in the back of the tent making sure the souvlaki and gyro arenít burning. Silly things like health department regulations have done away with the days that you could just walk back there and offer the guy a cigarette. With the demands for fast service imposed on todayís grill line volunteers, itís hard to make an impression on a guy in the 22 seconds from the time you order to the time youíre handing over the money. You got to do something to make yourself memorable even if it means holding up the rest of the line. Asking for double meat just makes you look really hungry and can have a guy wondering how much money it would cost to satisfy your appetite if he took you to a restaurant that was nicer than a Red Lobster. Asking for a well-done souvlaki would be better request, unless you come off like a princess when asking for it. (Donít make it sound like heís been serving everyone else the salmonella special.) If he notices it, make sure to come back several times during the weekend and order the exact same thing, until he knows you, and your order by heart.
If youíre a guy in line for a gyro or souvlaki, youíre more than likely going to find the girls actually assembling your sandwich. If you can look one of these girls in the eye in the now under six seconds she has to assemble your sandwich and say, ďNo onionĒ like itís the sexiest, most romantic thing youíve ever said to a girl, then maybe youíve got a shot. Things to avoid saying in the grill line if youíre a guy include:
The Drink Stand
Itís hard to pick up someone who is working the drink stand, because these are usually the best staffed of all the concessions at a Festival. The odds of having the person you want serving you actually be the one who is serving you are worse than choosing the quickest line at the Giant or Safeway. This might be one of those situations where you need a wingman or other friend to order ahead of you if it turns out you wanted a beer from Niki but got Nick instead, or vice-versa.
To make a lasting impression, wine might be the way to go. If youíre a guy ordering wine, it shows that youíre a little more sophisticated than every other Joe Mythos out there. Always ask for a glass of wine from an unopened bottle because it forces them to take some extra time to open it, giving you more chance to talk to them. (Unless the object of your affection is a girl who canít open a wine bottle, therefore needing to ask her buddy Kosta to open it, which he does quite masterfully, leading her to see him in a completely new light, leaving you reading about their engagement, wedding, and the baptism of their first born child in the church bulletin over the next two years.)
A safer choice might be the Greek coffee. Equal to wine in terms of sophistication level, and even more time and labor intensive, you could be naming your unborn children by the time he or she is done brewing the coffee. Greek coffee has the added advantage of being something you can come back from again and again on the same night, but just remember not to actually drink all that coffee if youíre planning on coming back to talk to this guy or girl again. Greek coffee is powerful stuff, so find a patch of weeds to pour it on, or give it to a hyperactive eight year old, regardless, donít be the one to take down all that caffeine in one sitting. Otherwise your fourth conversation could sound something like this:
The Pastry Booth
This one is for the guys only, because rarely are you ever going to find a guy working the pastry booth. Youíve really got to be careful in trying to pick up a girl at the Pastry Booth, because that, and the indoor food lines, are probably only two of the intergenerational concessions at a Greek Festival. Watch what you say to the girl behind the pastry booth, because there is a very good chance her mother or yiayia could be working the booth with her, and you donít want to make a bad first impression with the mother or yiayia by asking her daughter to get you the baklava on the bottom row of the glass pastry case when sheís wearing a low cut t-shirt and thereís perfectly good baklava on the top row. Therefore we recommend taking some time to study the situation and figure out who all the players are behind the booth and if they are related. This intergenerational dynamic gives you many options for the direct or indirect approach to picking up a pastry booth worker. You could come off all sweet, polite and innocent, which may earn you points with the mother or the yiayia, but could just turn off the girl as a blatant attempt at pandering. The reverse psychology is to ignore the girl altogether and only flirt with the mother or grandmother. If you really want to be a jerk, come up to the booth with a big plate of loukoumades, because everyone knows that pastry booth workers hate the loukoumades stand and vice-versa. If youíre not into playing games, talk to the girl directly and ask her to explain to you whatís in every pastry she sells. Ask her which is her favorite. You can tell a lot about a girl by what pastry she likes, and even more if she knows how to make it.
A few of the festivals still have the childrenís games and rides, usually a moon bounce. You need to be careful though because these attractions are usually staffed by GOYA members, so unless youíre into the under-18 year old set, itís probably not the best place to pick up someone. But if youíre a guy and you see a girl running these games who is of appropriate age, you could probably use her obvious love of kids as a way into her heart. If you donít have a young niece or nephew or a godchild handy, you can always borrow one. Just make sure you tell the kids real parents that youíre doing it and that youíll bring them right back.